I think

Day (3/365):
Thought: I'm going to die here. I realized, after getting over some of the funk that has subsumed me over last several hours, is that the battle was over before it began. The world as it is in this place called america is geared to grind done those of us quiet, somewhat hampered individuals under the heel of history.

Reading: the tea leaves

Mood: black

Listening to: topgear UK

Qoutables: "even if you ignore the bondage gear all is still not well" - Jeremy Clarkson

These things

Day (2/365):
Thought: Feeling dehydrated I guess, drank a bit last night, woke up early and have accomplished nothing in the 4 hours since leaving bed. I'm looking at reddit and c.e.s. coverage at the moment. Every techblog and many non tech sites have deceneded on this trade show in the dessert to see what all of the big companies want to release this year. Reading about all the new consumer tech that would available within the coming year used to be very exciting to me. When I was a stupid teenager seeing this stuff made me think 'you know, the future may not be now but this stuff shows me how close it's getting and can be had RIGHT NOW!'. That excitement about short lived, short sighted consumer tech has passed much like my interest in a lot of things.
I have several reddit pages open in a window next to all of this gadget porn looking at discussion about c.e.s., gaming, photography, and all the other things you can find on the internet to talk about. I don't feel anymore enthused about that stuff either.At this point, in the place I am in and have been for several years now all these things I see seem inconsequetial. Maybe i'm jaded, maybe it's the meds, maybe I'm depressed (though I doubt it's some sort of serotonin imbalance), maybe it's because all these things I see are so far removed from my life and so far out of reach.

Reading:"Hands-on with Xi3's 'Piston' modular PC at CES"

Mood:dull, blunted, something like that.

Listening to: all things considered on npr

Qoutables:"only that day dawns to which we are awake" - Henry David Thoreau

first post

Day (1/365):
Classes start at Parsons school of design two weeks from today and the chances of me making their have all but evaporated. In the last two weeks of december I received acceptance letters from both Parsons school of design and the School of visual art. Great schools for what I want to do and very expensive but worth I think. Under better circumstances, maybe in another time, these acceptance letters would have been fantastic things but they were like that last insults of a terrible year in my life. It was like someone was saying "yup, you could be something but you won't" and my whole life has been like that. I was one of those kids that everyone always said was really smart and could do anything and people copied of me on tests on blah blah blah. None of that matters because my life has been littered with bad luck, missed oppurtunities and failure.

Thought:
 Being smart doesn't mean anything if you don't know how to help yourself.

Reading: Triage System Helps Colleges Treat Mentally Ill Students

Mood: quiet desperation

Listening to: npr morning edition

Qoutables: "the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation" - Henry David Thoreau



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